I’m having a hard time trying to figure out the legal system in this country. Being innocent until proven guilty is a wonderful thing…so is having the right to a trial by jury. But what I can’t seem to understand is the contradictory message being sent every time a professional athlete is charged and found guilty. Let’s play a game. It’s called “Follow The Logic”. Your prize for successfully explaining the logic behind the upcoming facts will be undeniable acceptance into my world of knowledgeable countrymen.

Former Atlanta Falcons QB Michael Vick’s sentence for killing dogs: 2 years in a state penitentiary.

Cleveland Browns WR Donte Stallworth’s sentence for vehicular manslaughter (oh – he was drunk too): 30 days in jail and the inability to ever get a driver’s license in the state of Florida.

HUH?

Who’s the happiest guy in all of this? How about Plaxico Burress. The former NY Giants WR could be indicted under a grand jury in September, but a trial isn’t expected until 2010. Burress, you may remember, was packing heat at a Manhattan nightclub in November when the gun went off in his pants lodging a bullet in his leg. NORMAL people receive a  minimum 2-year sentence for being so stupid. Burress will likely get a multi-year contract.

The message being sent is laughable. If you have the money for the defense team, you stand a pretty good chance of walking away with the minimum.

The comedy that is the legal system in this country has lead me to thinking about some of the more notable athlete arrests, and sentences of all-time. Let’s take a walk down amnesia lane.

5. Nate Newton, former Dallas Cowboy lineman, 11-4-2001: The crime: Possession of marijuana with the intent to distribute. The details: St. Martin Parish, LA Police found 213 pounds of marijuana in Newton's white van. Five weeks later, he was caught with 175 pounds of marijuana on Interstate 45. He was sentenced to 30 months in federal prison, and has since then gone straight, renouncing his past and turning his life around and he now speaks to children involved in athletics about his past. He is now a member of the North Dallas Community of God. To put this in perspective if you put all the weed that Newton had on one side of a scale, and Shaq on the other side, the scale would tilt in favor of the weed.

4. Pedro Guerrero, former St. Louis Cardinals first baseman, 6-7-2000: The crime: conspiracy to distribute narcotics. The details: Guerrero reportedly agreed to pay up to $200,000 for a shipment of cocaine.

The best part of this run-in is not the arrest itself, but the manner in which Guerrero's attorney went about getting his client acquitted. He argued to a jury that Guerrero dropped out of school in the sixth grade and his IQ of 70 made it impossible for him to understand that he agreed to pay for cocaine. Furthermore, as proof of his client's subpar intelligence, the attorney claimed that Guerrero had no clue how to make a bed or write a check. And all of this worked! Guerrero got off scot free.

3. Dick Williams, former Oakland A's and Seattle Mariners manager, 1-17-2000. The crime: indecent exposure. The details: Police were called to Williams' hotel after several guests reported that the 70-year-old was walking naked and, um…treating himself like an amusement park outside of his room in Fort Myers, Florida, where he was attending a Fantasy Baseball camp.

About the only thing that equals the hilarity of this incident is how disturbing it must have been to witness it. I cannot imagine returning from the ice machine at a Holiday Inn only to see a naked and wrinkly old man fumbling with his naughty bits on the sidewalk. “No, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night”.

2. Eugene Robinson, safety, Atlanta Falcons, 1-30-1999. The crime: solicitation. The details: The night before his Falcons were to play in the Super Bowl, Robinson offered an undercover officer $40 for some “entertainment”.

On the surface, an athlete being arrested for solicitation is not all-that unique. However, when that athlete is Robinson, whose devout religious beliefs earned him the nickname "The Prophet," it's an arrest for the ages. Add to that the fact that it was the night before the Super Bowl, when players are not even allowed to let their wives sleep in the same hotel rooms as them, and Mr. Robinson earns the number two spot on this list.

Alas, Robinson's awful timing does not stop there. Twelve hours before his arrest, Robinson received the Bart Starr Award from a Christian group called Athletes in Action. The award honors, among other things, an athlete who exhibits high moral character. Oops! But Robinson did end up getting smoked that weekend, after all, as the Broncos pummeled his Falcons 34-19.

1. Eddie Belfour, goalie, Dallas Stars, 3-21-2000. The crime: assault and resisting arrest. The details: After a drunken scuffle at his hotel, Belfour kicked two police officers in the chest, spit in another officer's face, and begged the cops not to arrest him by offering them a bribe of $1 billion. When the cops declined to accept his bribe, Belfour was placed in a squad car, where he put his cowboy boots on the dashboard before vomiting on himself.

This incident has everything you look for in a hilarious arrest: drunkenness, the "do you know who I am?" mentality, the vomiting. It's all there. The best part was that Belfour initially attempted to bribe the officers with $100,000, and then progressively raised the amount until he reached $1 billion. $1 BILLION DOLLARS!! You have to give him points for persistence. I can only imagine his drunken thought process as he continued to raise the amount of money he was willing to fork over to avoid being arrested: "They're holding out for the billion. Alright, I'll play that game. $1 billion it is." Priceless. Way to go, Eddie! You have raised the bar for all would-be felons who also happen to play professional sports. I salute you.

WHO’S NEXT!